Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
