so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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