one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
