So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
