whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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