my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
