i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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