she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
