Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
