I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
