3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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