it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
