It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
