I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?