someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
