im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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