I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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