dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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