i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
