It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
