glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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