Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
