I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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