So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
