dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
