So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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