I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
