She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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