I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
nutella sex= disaster
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
