Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
