dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
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