I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
