So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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