I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
