Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
