there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
