My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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