just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
