I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
