Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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