he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
