I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
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Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
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Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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