He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
