So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
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You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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