I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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