She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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