Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
