I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
