I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
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Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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