Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
