he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
