I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
