thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
