Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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