Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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