i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
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I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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