The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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