I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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